Self Love Club

Daily Affirmation

This is the daily affirmation that I have been using for almost 6 months, written for me by the amazing Nisha Lall, she who is technically my boss but so much more in actuality.
For a cynical and jaded person a belief in positivity, happy thoughts, and influencing your life through thoughts was a far cry, but over time I have realized that being positive is the least that I owe to myself. So I say this affirmation to myself 3 or 4 times a day and I know that I have seen changes… Maybe you’d like to try it too.Iam in the

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My Story

Catching Up

It’s been almost 4 years since I wrote here, even the posts I wrote then were old, so somewhere I gave up. Here’s to the new chapter, pun intended. This particular piece is merely a summary of the life events that have happened in the past 3 or so years, where I was and where I am. Some of it might be too mundane, but read on… My life isn’t too boring or so I think.

2016 is the year life truly changed for me, in the most physical sense of it, February of 2016 Gaurav and I made the decision to say bye-bye Delhi and hello Bangalore. What brought us here? What made me leave my beloved Dilli?

Gaurav had already been working with our current employer in Delhi, and on a short stint of support in their head office here in ‘luru they offered him a position here, soon I got a call too, from the same people and long story short I accepted it and we packed our bags, well lots and lots of bags and boxes and loaded ourselves into the Rajdhani and came chugging here. I took a huge leap of faith moving here, I gave up my career as a chef, left the kitchens, and moved to an industry which is ancillary to hotels but falls under the wide spectrum of Hospitality. Leaving my whites, hanging up the apron and putting my knifes down in exchange for corporate life, laptops and a 9 to 6 was such a tough call. It created great dissonance in my own head and this fear that I would never be able to go back to my one true love; Food. But anyway, I was ready. Leaving Delhi was even more difficult, I had just settled back into the city, the fast pace of life, rekindling old friendships and finding new friends as my closest ones had moved on. But Delhi can wear you down sometimes, its exhausting keeping up appearances and its even harder to deal with socioeconomic pressures of the city.

But Bangalore had its own pull, I have roots here, every summer vacation spent languidly drifting in and out of slumber, mangoes and Ammuma’s  big hugs. I had Jasper Place to come back to, the house of my sweetest memories, the house that belonged to my whole clan and the house which is now my home. The weather in Bangalore is one of the major reasons I moved here, the evening showers, the breezy mornings, I loved the fact that I would never need woolens here.

And over and above this all was the huge prospect of starting a new life with Gaurav, we had only been seeing each other for 2 years at the time we took this call, but we both knew that we needed this, our relationship needed it. After all we had been in a long distance relationship for the whole time, sorry guys but Dwarka to Mayur Vihar also counts as Long Distance especially because we both worked in hotels. The first 8 months here Gaurav and I lived separately, trying to keep up a facade for our families (I’ll write about this in detail some other time) but we gave up, we moved in together, I don’t know the dates or time even, it just happened and now its been almost 2 years like this.

In between we took the biggest decision of our lives (around April of 2016), a commitment of 15 years at the very least and in came Ms. Spooky J Bagla our first rescue, she was all of 3 months old, spindly, thin and injured but so full of all things puppy. Spooky is an Indie, who looked like a Great Dane when she was younger, but boy am I glad she isn’t the size of a Great Dane! Spooky was just what we needed, sometimes I think the decision was a little premature, I worry about the fact that it ties us down, the way it affects our daily life but then I look into her eyes. And all my doubts are stripped away.

Life went on as normal, wake up at 6, have coffee, water the plants, scroll on random social media, have a bath, eat breakfast, walk Spooky, fight with an auto, go to work. Come back, binge on Netflix, eat dinner, walk Spooky, binge again, go to sleep. Life in the past two years had no creativity for me. I stopped reading, writing, travelling, and got stuck in a rut. Everyday was the same as the day before, and the one before that.

As the days wore on, Spooky became the center of the universe, Gaurav and I turned into hypochondriacal pet parents also over obsessive and protective of her. She fell sick terribly so, after a botched up surgery and 2016 ended with Gaurav and me struggling to keep her alive. She made it through, she’s a fighter that girl and her phenomenal doctors at Cessna made sure she did it! But post Spooky getting better I fell into a bout of deep depression, anxiety and intermittent panic attacks. I would just sit and cry in a dark room at home – I mean how clichéd can one get right?- but yeah… that was a dark place to be in.

I got out of that slump, I spent New Years Eve of 2016 sleeping. Sleep became my new best friend. Sleep at 9 wake up at 7, was my new cycle, I used to jokingly say “Sleeping is the best way to solve a problem” and that truly became my life.

Few months down the line came another big change, Master Theodore B Jaiswal, an abused and abandoned dachshund found his way to us as a foster but not even two days with him and Gaurav and I knew he was not just a foster. In came Mr. Quiet, absolutely opposite to spooky and quite the devious little munchkin. He looks cute and harmless, but he is the smartest doggo there is.

The past year for me has been a year of revelations, pain, loss and immense transformation within 8 months I lost both my grandmothers and Achu (my mausa ji). Losing them has been a great wake up call to me, the fact that they are gone still hasn’t sunk in and it’s going to be 2 years soon, I can’t fathom it even now. People see death first hand at various stages in life, I never lost a close family member or friend till 2016 and then 3 whammies together turned my world upside down. I miss them everyday, and every damn day I try to become more like them in the smallest of ways possible.

I miss my family, you know? My parents, my brother and Sheru, my didi back in Delhi, but this is my home now and my parents are always with me in spirit, for the girl who would not talk to her mum and dad for weeks on end, 3 calls a day to mom 4 calls a week to dad have become the norm. We visit each other often, but not as often as we’d all like, but that’s life right? We all move on in some way or the other.

As a person who has always been, sarcastic, cynical, agnostic and an absolute non believer this year I gave up all these pre conceived notions I opened myself up to new possibilities, to positivity, the power of positive thinking and to getting people to see the real me. I always come across as this super confident, outgoing person, but I am constantly riddled with deep-seated social anxiety. This year is about changing that, and putting my deepest thoughts out here for the internet to read is a conscious decision.

Scrolling is the new smoking. Oh yes, I quit smoking after we got Spooky, sort of atleast. For sometime. Now I smoke once in a blue moon. Oh I also gave up on drinking now I stick to just wine and sometimes beer. These are big things I guess, for someone who loved partying and was living life on the edge, I think I heard my liver and kidney and lungs  groaning and moaning one day. Back to scrolling, though I quit all this I think my phone has replaced all of this. I mindlessly scroll through Facebook, Instagram, play stupid ass games, read crappy listicles, 1 line articles on some celebrities Instagram post.

Going back to writing, wearing sarees, writing about them, spending time in my garden, exercising, working on my diet, reading and spending time with my pups is my way of breaking my cellphone habit. I need to kick this lethargy off and put life into another gear.

Here’s 1300 odd words about me. How narcissistic. But we all love talking about ourselves, and it is something one has to learn to accept. I have, maybe you should too.

The many little things I touched upon today are big parts of me, and I plan to write in detail about each of these as the days go by.